This is the one time of year that I love wasps.
Not because the wasps themselves get any nicer. They’re horrid little creatures year round. No, it’s because I have a couple of big apple trees out back, and late August, early September is when the apples start ripening.
Now, if you don’t harvest your own fruit, there are two things you need to know about apples.
The first thing you need to know about apples is that, when apples get ripe, they tend to fall from the tree at the slightest breeze.
I often work late at the office; by the time I get home, there are piles of apples scattered everywhere - and sure enough, the wasps are out in force, gorging themselves on the fruit. When I go to clean up the windfallen apples, the wasps naturally do the “rawr, I’ma fuck you up!” routine for which wasps are known.
The second thing you need to know about apples is that they ferment very rapidly in the late August heat.
So: the wasps try to come at me, but they’re too drunk to fly. They get about an inch off the ground, then faceplant directly into the turf, flip over onto their backs, and lay there, legs twitching in the air as they try in vain to find something to sting.
Perhaps I’m a man of simple pleasures, but I bust up laughing every. single. time.
I tried to reblog this with a witty tag, but Tumblr took it as serious advice:
This is me, my name is Kelli and I’m 17-years-old, battling cancer for the third time. I have less than a year to live and the only thing I want to do more than anything before I die is meet Ellen. She’s my sunshine. She’s the reason I wake up everyday and I watch her show every morning. She just radiates so much joy and happiness and she gives me hope. It’s really my dream to be able to meet her. Unfortunately, due to a long waiting list, the Wish Foundation told me I probably wouldn’t be able to meet her within my short timeline. But I see miracles happen all the time.. therefore I won’t give up on my dream. I thought that maybe if this gets enough attention, someone from the Ellen Show would come across it, or maybe even Ellen herself will know of me and my wish to meet her. Please, help me make my wish come true.
GUYS KEEP REBLOGGING
Ron always just fucking knows
If you remember, Ron was always weirdly good with Divination. Whenever he’d joke about a possible outcome, it would eventually happen in some roundabout way!
There’s actually a whole point about this in these Harry Potter analysis books I used to read obsessively. Two of their cardinal rules of HP foreshadowing are “Hermione is always right, except when she’s emotional” and “Ron is always wrong, except when he’s joking”. This actually plays out pretty frequently in the series if you look for it!
when people defend pop stars who lipsync with “but they’re dancing! it’s impossible to dance like that and sound good!”
i’m just like
have you ever seen a musical before? no lipsynching going on there and the actors are dancing for their lives while doing like 6 part harmonies and being near pitch perfect
you either have the talent to sing live or you don’t. end of story.